juicy lube

the only bad thing about quitting my old, dead-end, comfortable, full of retards job and switching to my new full of wonderful things job is that for three months i'm livin on the edge, no insurance style. this of course means that unless i want a little kenticia popping out of my vaJLo (jack-in-the-box style) in nine months, i have to endure the pain that is our local planned parenthood clinic.
i would like to say that i love planned parenthood. love. it. i think it's an excellent resource and not nearly enough people use it or even know where to find them. but, as with many things in this backwards and five years too late city, ours sucks. not that i actually know what they're like in other cities, but i passed by one in new york that looked a hell of lot nicer than this one. i'd like to see a ppclinic zagat-type review service started. here is my review:

• the front desk lady was all right, i'll just leave that alone.
• the wait: unbearable! i wasn't called till about 3:20 or later for my 2:15 appointment. what is the point of calling ahead and making an appointment? i think what made it so painful was the fact that i knew once i was called i could be in and out, 10-15 minutes.
• waiting room company: there was one possibly retarded crackhead in the waiting room who was waiting on a friend that was on the Other Side, as i came to call it. she would start mumble-yelling about how she needed to get her hair did and stretch her arms out and rub her hands on the wall. also, she kept referring to someone as "mubber-fuckers."
• more waiting room company: there was an older 40s-ish man with a young early 20s, if not simply 20, girl sitting on his lap. she looked like she could be his daughter and they reminded me of that dirt episode with the cheerleaders and the pastor. i wonder if he calls her sarah when he puts his love in her. and i wonder if anyone else saw that show, otherwise that joke just doesn't work. but really, that was the best part of the whole episode.
• the first nurse: she kept calling me mija. i'm sorry dear, but only my grandmother call me that, and i don't even have to call her abuela, or worse, abuelita.
• the second wait: i got to sit with the possibly retarded crackhead's friend. apparently she was giving some nurses contradicting information. sneaky!
• the second nurse: she took me into a room with the paper covered seat o' fun that i didn't even have to sit on. she was going to walk me through how to use my new friend, birth control till i cut her off and told her this was by no means my first time, i'm a professional. i got to leave the room before i had a chance to draw on the exam chair, pasta company/ zio's-style. regrets...
• the third wait: back to where my second wait was, this time i was waiting for a cashier to call me. no, not a cashier, the only cashier. she was in the middle of some mess with a lady that barely spoke any english. there are so many people working there that speak spanish, would it really be that hard for one of them to go help out? regardless, soon enough i was called and sitting in a room with a teacher's "special helper of the week" type jar full of juicy lubes to my left and an empty jar labelled "ask about our free condoms!" in comic sans to my right. delightful! i paid and was on my way!
• the whole ordeal was only one hour and forty minutes long, and i didn't have to spread my legs once. no stirrups for me, no sir!