Tuesday, April 3, 2007

the woodlands: a review

the woodlands is out of control.
it's like someone played sim city for too long and decided to make it real. they just keep popping crazy shit up everywhere. want some water canals? DONE! want cobblestone streets? DONE! want imitation brownstones? DONE! want fancy restaraunts with mandatory valet? DONE!
the whole area feels so forced and disgusting and completely unoriginal. i thought the woodlands was started as a way of getting away from the hectic city life, a place to be with nature and be surrounded by trees, a place to get lost because none of the streets are lit and the streetsigns are impossible to read. someone had some crazyass sim-like master plan for the woodlands though, and it's getting pretty ridiculous. they take everything they somewhat like from the city and plant one down in their little planned community. what's funny is when a chain comes in and everyone thinks it's an original, local business. nope! good luck finding one of those!
i love how the woodlands' site describes their waterway lofts as "edgy" and "urban." i thought those two words were the antitheses of all things woodlands. how the fuck can you be "urban" in a suburban planned community? although, the waterway lofts are located right next to the "market street" area, and that is fake downtown woodlands from what i gather. that is where the cobblestone streets are. that is where you must parallel park, just like they do in the city!
if you still want to be a suburban hipster living next to fake downtown but aren't feeling too "edgy" or "urban," you can always live directly across the street from waterway lofts in one of the "stately" remington brownstones, circa 15 minutes ago.
oh woodlands, you are everything i despise about the suburbs. i love our old fourplex. i love our neighborhood with cops that patrol the area not to make us feel safe, but to catch all the hookers and drug dealers. i love the hookers and drug dealers too! i love how the streets get blocked regularly from drug busts in progress. and i love the tranny that asked kenton for a dollar so she could go buy some eyeliner at 9 in the morning. i love you hyde park!

1 comment:

lint said...

whenever i read this post i want to play sim city really bad