i like eating your infected ear and "getting you wet"

easter shopping

an etsy
easter

the assimilation of everything

I don't think I have to explain where I'm going with this.

I said no fucking mustard!

Well, I'm sure you've heard already, but I have stars in my eyes. Yes, it seems the internet is all abuzz about my breakthrough from the daily doldrums of programming into the breakneck botox-infused world of day time television.

So the obvious questions come up, "What are you going to do to develop your character?", "has Hollyouston (as we call it in the biz) changed you", "Can you sign my tits"?

Well one at a time please (and i'm not talking questions, I'm talking tits).

I definitely don't want to end up stock-casted as the dreamy but unattainable heart-throb lost in self contemplation. The fan-sites have already labeled me as "The Next Zach Braff", a title which I feel really diminishes what I have done.

It should come as no surprise that the camera-man seemed to get lost in the wild wilderness of my hands. Who can really blame him? He is merely giving America what they want. My skin really does have a natural glowing tone and excellent texture. Just ask anyone, they will tell you just looking at my hands brings a general feeling of euphoria.

spring!

i never really much cared for the season before, but i'm really getting into it this year. i work in a nice open space with doors that open and it's so nice when the wind blows all the papers on the clipboards around.
it's awesome watching showers come up too. i love it when the sky turns all green and before you know it westheimer's flooding. but it's houston, so just give it an hour or so and the streets will be perfectly visible again. the best part about our spring showers lately is that they have a cooling effect instead of those dreadful i want to sweat my eyeballs off summer showers. very refreshing!
and sunday was a perfect spring day, complete with a perfect waffle picnic.
so houston, keep up the spring as long as possible. i'd like to delay the summer death as much as possible. thank you.

dear adulthood:

it's really nice how i can close my eyes right now and feel like i'm on the crazy swings at astroworld. that is, before they demolished it.
if i squint hard it feels like a rollercoaster.

clatterford and the irish

SO. I watched Clatterford. I'm still baffled by the fact that there is a "BBC America Original" series. Judging by the commercials on BBC America I think their viewing audience is ~20.

Then it really boils down to one thing. I think the British got us all wrong.

So they say (in much more proper English than I will use), "Why does no one watch the BBC in the US?" And some whipper snapper marketer says "Because American's have ADD and need constant distractions!". And then just like that problem solved make a CRAZY BBC SHOW FOR AMERICA!

10 ZANY CHARACTERS AT ONCE? MAKE IT 20!! AMERICRAZY!

So let me bust out my marketer hat and break it down *insert beat box*. While we love some fast paced camera angle switching craziness, we really don't want the content. It just has to seem like a ton of content could be occurring. BBC you made the mistake of going american style TV + all that content. And what are you going to do with all that content, all that content in your trunk?

I'm going to going to get irish coffee.

i'm a real blogger

no really, i have thoughts and feelings! just like a real blogger

juicy lube

the only bad thing about quitting my old, dead-end, comfortable, full of retards job and switching to my new full of wonderful things job is that for three months i'm livin on the edge, no insurance style. this of course means that unless i want a little kenticia popping out of my vaJLo (jack-in-the-box style) in nine months, i have to endure the pain that is our local planned parenthood clinic.
i would like to say that i love planned parenthood. love. it. i think it's an excellent resource and not nearly enough people use it or even know where to find them. but, as with many things in this backwards and five years too late city, ours sucks. not that i actually know what they're like in other cities, but i passed by one in new york that looked a hell of lot nicer than this one. i'd like to see a ppclinic zagat-type review service started. here is my review:

• the front desk lady was all right, i'll just leave that alone.
• the wait: unbearable! i wasn't called till about 3:20 or later for my 2:15 appointment. what is the point of calling ahead and making an appointment? i think what made it so painful was the fact that i knew once i was called i could be in and out, 10-15 minutes.
• waiting room company: there was one possibly retarded crackhead in the waiting room who was waiting on a friend that was on the Other Side, as i came to call it. she would start mumble-yelling about how she needed to get her hair did and stretch her arms out and rub her hands on the wall. also, she kept referring to someone as "mubber-fuckers."
• more waiting room company: there was an older 40s-ish man with a young early 20s, if not simply 20, girl sitting on his lap. she looked like she could be his daughter and they reminded me of that dirt episode with the cheerleaders and the pastor. i wonder if he calls her sarah when he puts his love in her. and i wonder if anyone else saw that show, otherwise that joke just doesn't work. but really, that was the best part of the whole episode.
• the first nurse: she kept calling me mija. i'm sorry dear, but only my grandmother call me that, and i don't even have to call her abuela, or worse, abuelita.
• the second wait: i got to sit with the possibly retarded crackhead's friend. apparently she was giving some nurses contradicting information. sneaky!
• the second nurse: she took me into a room with the paper covered seat o' fun that i didn't even have to sit on. she was going to walk me through how to use my new friend, birth control till i cut her off and told her this was by no means my first time, i'm a professional. i got to leave the room before i had a chance to draw on the exam chair, pasta company/ zio's-style. regrets...
• the third wait: back to where my second wait was, this time i was waiting for a cashier to call me. no, not a cashier, the only cashier. she was in the middle of some mess with a lady that barely spoke any english. there are so many people working there that speak spanish, would it really be that hard for one of them to go help out? regardless, soon enough i was called and sitting in a room with a teacher's "special helper of the week" type jar full of juicy lubes to my left and an empty jar labelled "ask about our free condoms!" in comic sans to my right. delightful! i paid and was on my way!
• the whole ordeal was only one hour and forty minutes long, and i didn't have to spread my legs once. no stirrups for me, no sir!

woodhead days

one year ago kenton and i had a very awkard bedtime conversation, basically "what the fuck are getting into?" i don't remember much of what either of us said, but neither of us wanted to wind up losing a friend. i've known kenton for almost five years now and i've loved every bit of it. he's my best friend and i'm thankful i simply met him. i'm happy we became friends, then roommates, then it all came to a head that Fateful Night. i wouldn't change a thing.
now we live together with our babies and we wake up every morning in our pretty blue room and sometimes there is coffee. i couldn't imagine having more fun with anyone while watching morning tv on mute, or sometimes not. or playing "first date" at olive garden. or being served shots of cough medicine when i get sick. or playing friday afternoon hookey. or drinking little penguin in the park. or taking mini vacations. or really anything.
cheers kbg!